The Ache in My Heart
by Umbreon at Dusk
Summary: If I could only ever speak three words in my life, I would be so very happy. Just three words. Please. Won't you give me that much, at least?


**I wrote this in the span of four or five hours. Imagine if I'd been doing that daily for the past year? I'd have so many stories finished. So many other ones started. This one came out of nowhere. Sort of... jumped at me. I didn't plan it out. It all just flowed, I guess. Oh, and take caution.**

 **It's a sad one.**

* * *

Is there a word for that feeling you get when you can't have something you want, even if there was virtually no way for you to ever attain it? I'm talking about a specific word, pertaining to exactly that. Not longing. Not... ah... desiring. Not yearning. Those words, they express want. But they don't show the feeling of impossibility. That sense which tells you it'll never be. I need a word. More than anything, I need that word.

Even if I might not be able to speak it. Even if I can't feel the shape of it around my lips, hear it fall from my voice. Expressing. Dripping with meaning. The luscious taste of sound. And every time I see her, I just... I don't know how to feel. I wish, more than anything, that I could just tell her how much it hurts.

"Xander?"

Her voice brings me to attention. It sings of curiosity and concern. Of course I'm drawn to look in her direction, ears focused and ready to listen. Only ever able to listen. She gives me a look, scans me over, trying to piece together my state of being. I can see it in her eyes, the way she studies me. Watching for every detail of my body, right down to the curling of my toes. The nervous twitch in my tail. The ever so slight widening of my eyes. She's learned to read me very well by now. I hardly feel safe even with myself when she's around. However much she may know me, though, there are some things she couldn't ever possibly find out just by looking.

"You're distant. Something's bothering you."

The same observation she made last time. Something's bothering you, she'd say. And she'd offer ideas, trying to figure out what it was picking at my thoughts. Picking at me. Question after question, each one a bit more specific than the last. She'd never gotten it right since she started. I don't think she ever would.

"You've been pretty down a lot, recently. I'm going to figure out what's wrong eventually, you know that?" she says, resting her paws on her hips and fixing me with a serious and level gaze. "I can't stand to see you like this."

I apologize to her. My eyes fall down, tails twist and curl around themselves, paws resting at my back to clasp together behind me. Of course, she understands entirely. Like I said, she's gotten really, really good at reading me the past... how many years?

"There's nothing to be sorry about." She gives a sigh, paws now crossing over her chest, tapping her foot against the ground impatiently. I could still feel her piercing gaze. I sit myself down to get rid of it, hug my knees to my chest, stare out over the cliff rise and admire the sea of trees below us: green canopies stretching out to the horizon. Twelve. We've known each other twelve years now. I hug myself tighter.

"Honestly, would it kill you to at least pretend things are okay?" She sits right next to me, pulling me into a hug and trying to squeeze the sad away. "Come on, Kitty. Smile." Her voice is a whisper. Soft and delicate. It calms me. So I try to smile for her. I give her as good and strong a smile as I can muster. Doing that also calms me, helps put me at ease for the moment.

"Good boy." She giggles and pushes me away from the hug, giving my head a little pat. That helps, too. But only marginally. "So I've been thinking of a name." She allows her feet to dangle off the edge of the cliff, kicking at the air playfully and mindlessly. "Jared's been on that, too, but he's real lazy about it. How does Nina sound?"

And just like that, my emotions plummet. Everything I had to be calm and relaxed about is tossed off this cliff, left to crash into the earth below. Every. Little. Thing. I shake my head. Nina was too common a name.

"No? Well how about Zoey? I think it's cute." I turn my eyes up in thought and give a shrug, not really caring at all what the name was going to be for now. It's not like I'd ever be able to pronounce it. I wouldn't once have the chance of catching that kid's attention.

"Yeah. It's a bit off. Besides, it might not even be a girl. So, does Nicholas sound okay?" I shake my head again, just to give some semblance that I was listening and paying attention. I didn't care. I don't care, Chloe. Please, stop asking me these questions.

Please.

"Oh, come on. You're no help. You're gonna be the one to take care of them if anything happens to Me or Jared. The least you could do is help pick out a name, yeah?" She nudges my shoulder, and I can't possibly return the enthusiasm. Can't help but remember how she looked by that Blaziken's side, happily showing me that egg of theirs. _You're gonna be an uncle_ , she squealed, hopping a little in place. We weren't related at all, but she couldn't decide on a better title for the one who would raise her kid if she ever disappeared. Uncle Xander. It was perfect. Perfect for everyone but me.

I smiled for her. I had to... to make her believe I was happy for this. For her family. For her. She let me touch the shell. I had no reason to hate the child. But with my paw on the smooth casing of its home, I didn't see an egg. I didn't see a child. I saw a wall, thousands of feet high. And on the other side of it was my life with her. Together. This kid killed those dreams. He... or she... they put it all to rest behind a door. Locked it with a silver key and broke it. Broke everything.

Everything. Even the friendship we had. Twelve years of so many wonderful things, gone to waste. She was my only friend. The only person I met who could carry a conversation with someone who couldn't utter a word. Couldn't hope to speak in any form of the manner. Couldn't even say 'hi' the first time they met. Can't even say 'goodbye' the last time they will. Still, she was there for me. A Fennekin then. A Braxien now, and still very beautiful. Still the best thing to happen to me. And she belongs to someone else.

Jared. He's not a bad guy. If I'm going to lose her to anyone, I'm at least glad it's someone decent. He doesn't mind me at all. Often stops by just to chat from time to time, however silly that sounds. I want to tell him to keep her safe. Keep her happy. All the things I can't possibly hope to do anymore. There was a chance, once, before all of this. A little sliver of a chance. But it's gone now, so... what am I left with?

A name. A stupid, silly name. The name of a kid that I can't call mine.

"Oh!" She turns to me and smiles. So bright. So happy. So full of life. "I'm going to name him Alexander! After you!"

And that was what broke me. I didn't cry, knowing that she was gone despite how close she sat right now. I didn't cry when she showed me her child, happiness pouring off her in waves. I didn't cry when she let me hold it, feeling the warmth of it and unable to offer any in return. But knowing that she's going to give it my name... his child with my name? I thought I patched up the holes in my wall. But apparently I overlooked a few cracks. And it all came tumbling down.

The tears just flowed. I couldn't stop them. I wanted to, but it was impossible. And she was looking right at me when they started to glimmer at the corners. I could catch the change in her breath as she watched the first droplet roll down my cheek and hit the grass beneath us. "Xander?"

She turns my chin, makes me look at her. Makes me look right into her eyes, holds my cheeks and stares at me. I'm ashamed in how pathetic I must look. Features pinched tightly into something... tortured. The tears were just a light trickle, but they were there and I couldn't hide them. She wipes them away, a frown etched onto her muzzle. "Xander... it's going to be okay," She whispers. She has no idea. I can tell, just from the puzzled expression behind all that concern. She still doesn't know. "The rain will pass, Kitty. Just give it time."

I want to smile. She loves that expression. She says it every time something looks hopeless, when she needs to remind herself that better days are coming. They will. She believes that the rain will pass. But does it ever? Does the rain only abate for a moment before coming back? All I can see are clouds, Chloe. And they're dark black, stormy gray. There is no sun. The rain is heavy, and it stings my skin, Chloe. How much longer do I have to sit out here? How much longer do I have to wait in the pouring rain just to get a glimpse of the blue sky? You're my sun, Chloe. But you're shining your light in some other guy's world. You abandoned me without meaning to. Are you ever coming back? I miss how bright the sky looks. I miss the days when the clouds where white and there were birds in the air. But now they're gone, and all the green grass is stained brown with mud. It clumps in my fur and the water is up to my neck. The storm is only growing stronger and I'm so cold, Chloe. I'm so cold.

"What's wrong, Xander?" She whispers, as if I could tell her. As if I could just say that I love you, Chloe! As if I could say anything! It's so stereotypical to assume that Psychic types are all blessed with the skill of telepathy, and I wish it were true. But it's hard, okay? There are headaches that wait for me in the morning when I stay up through hours of the night trying to project a thought, a feeling, let alone a single word! Let alone three, or four, or an entire freaking sentence! I've tried for years, but it's never come to me. I've made no progress, nothing works. I want to communicate with more than just the shake of a head. More than just the twitch of a paw or the pace of my breath.

Damn it, Chloe, look into my eyes! Can't you see? Do you even remember those times we sat so close to each other at night? The way our fur touched? The sparks? I do! But what chance did I stand against someone who had a silver tongue? Who could compliment you? Who could flirt with you? Who could just... _talk_ to you?

Read me, Chloe. Nobody else can. Nobody knows me better than you. Read the look in my eyes, the shape of my lips. Look at the way they're slightly pouted, barely parted open, as if begging for a kiss. Don't I look like I need someone to love? There's wanting in my eyes. There's a longing, a tortured desire. Chloe, it's there. It's been there. It has been, all these years, please. Don't tell me you can't see it.

Don't leave me alone.

I'm so scared, Chloe.

Don't go.

You barely talk to me anymore. You're so busy with Him these days. Him and your child. Your family. I'm always by myself now, surrounded by all this quiet that follows me everywhere, missing the noise you made. The step of your paws, the shifting of your fur or the steady pace of your breath. It's gone. It's all gone. Oh, gods, please Chloe. I can't stand it anymore. I can't. I just can't.

"I have to go soon."

No.

"I've been away for a while now. It's getting dark and Jared might be getting worried."

No. No, no.

"Xander, I don't know what's wrong. But get better soon, okay?" She smiles for me, hugs me tight against her chest. Squeezes me, hard. "It'll get better. I promise." She holds me at arms' length, studies me. The sadness is still on my face, and she frowns for a moment, tapping my nose lightly. "Cheer up. I'll try to visit again, yeah? Until then, you be careful."

I watch her stand up and walk away. She stops to look over her shoulder at me, soft, bushy tail giving a little wave goodbye. "See ya." And then she vanishes down the hill, leaving me up on top of this clifftop alone. Quiet and alone.

I take a shaky breath and scoot closer to the edge to let my legs dangle free, staring down at the ground below. So... far... below.

So high up.

So... high...

So... so...

Before I know it, I'm slowly rising to stand. I can feel my chest suck in a deep breath, lips parted to release smooth, steady exhales that gradually quicken to sharp pants. My arms are tossed out to either side, and my heels are just at the edge of the cliff. And I'm staring down past the tips of my toes.

The ground is so far away. I'd be falling into a tree-top. I'd hit several branches on the way down before finally crashing onto the earth, numb. It would be quick. I wouldn't feel it, and the fall would be almost peaceful. I teeter on the edge, the wind billowing about me, testing me. Pushing me forward but pushing me back at the same time, knowing it was ultimately my choice.

I don't want to do this. I reminded myself with that now and then, each time my body unconsciously leaned forward, desiring release. I don't want to do this. Life is precious. You only get one. It's pure. It's... not good. Not happy. Not warm, not satisfying, not fulfilling. It hurts. Gods, it hurts.

How could I live happily, knowing she gave her body to another man? How could I sleep at night without her by my side? Knowing that I'd never experience that same warmth? The same passion she holds for him? How can I bring myself to smile knowing that she sleeps with another? When she doesn't even know that I love her. When she won't ever know that I love her because I was cursed with this stupid, broken body of mine? I'm broken. That's it. Not spiritually. Physically. I'm imperfect. I have a flaw, and I can't for the love of me find strength in it. There's nothing positive in being unable to speak. I don't blame her for loving someone else. It's better this way. She's better off without me. He'll make her happy. I can see it. They're so desperately, madly in love, it hurts me just to look at the way they act around each other.

So casual. So... relaxed and easy going and... perfect. They're perfect together. I smile despite myself. Despite the fact that I'm playing with my life here. She'll be taken care of. He'll be good to her. That makes me happy. In the time since I saw her hold her egg, I'm finally happy. I'm at peace. I wouldn't have done Chloe any good. What use is a mate that can't speak? We're friends. And I care for her so much. So very, very much. I'm just a bother. I have been, all these years, and it's more clear now than it ever has been. It would be better if I was gone. She wouldn't be burdened by me anymore. She could be happy. Really, truly happy. I would laugh if I could. All this joy in knowing I'd finally make use of myself between us two.

She's done so much for me. She was my only friend. She kept me company, and was always there, talking, laughing. I couldn't return any of that. I couldn't hope to start a conversation, or carry one. She did all the hard work. What did I ever do in return? I did nothing. I was pointless. A terrible friend. And I want to cry again at the thought, but push it away because I'm finally going to make up for it right now. I'll make sure she never has to be bothered with me again. That she doesn't ever have to sit there for so long, thinking of what to say next while I sit there awkwardly, unable to help.

I want to do this. I'm staring straight down, standing on the edge of calm and peace. My heartbeat slows down. I can hear it in my ears, and I feel like I'm in a trance. Nothing hurts. I'm relaxed. My eyes close, and I can see her face. And she's smiling at me. I love her. Chloe, I love you.

I'm doing this for you. I'm doing this because I love you. Because I can't stand the way you look at someone else with those eyes. That you've known him for mere months, and we've been so close for years. Why not me? What made you choose? Was it because I was broken? Because I'm imperfect? I wasn't good enough. I'm sorry. I'll make up for it.

I will.

I promise.

The world is quiet around me as I lean forward. I can taste the rush of wind as it begins to catch below, seeing my decision and more than happy to seal my fate. The sky burns a dark red orange as dusk settles, twilight soon to drink up everything in sight, myself included. Forever with this image of the sky in colors as my last sight.

Then something catches me by the back of my neck, sinking into the fur of my collar before it tugs me backward onto he cliff. I hit solid ground hard, head smacking on the grass as I stare dazedly up at the sky, able to spot twinkles of the stars in the approaching blackness.

"What the hell is wrong with you!?"

Tears blur the edges of my vision, smudging the stars in the sky, turning them into streaks of white in an unfocused abyss.

No.

"Why would you... if I wasn't here, you really would have...?"

No. Why?

"What would possibly make you want to... to..."

Why? Why did you have to come back? What did you have to turn around for? You had a home. A lover. A child. A future. There was happiness that way, Chloe. What was back here but a shattered Meowstic? A cat with a broken voice? Someone who could offer nothing but his quiet self, and even that isn't good enough. It's not. Nothing you'll ever say would convince me otherwise.

Why did you come back?

"Xander! Are you even listening to me?"

I push myself up into a sitting position. My smooth, steady breath had transformed into a quick and uneven pace. My heart raced in my throat, and I felt dizzy. I could barely see her through my tears. They came much heavier now, and I was unable to stop the way they emptied themselves across my cheeks. Splashing down across my chest and wetting the blades of grass beneath me. I can still fix this.

She was in the way, standing between me and my way out of all this pain and uncertainty. I tried to get past her, tried to toss myself over again because I was right there! I could have finally been free. No more quietness. No more silence. No more hurt, for either of us. But she stopped me, grabbed me around the chest and screamed "No!". I squirmed, kicked, clawed at the ground to edge closer but it was useless. The edge was just a few tail lengths away, and I was crying so hard it hurt my throat. It all happened so fast, so quick. I tired myself out, unable to do anything but lie there and cry so silently. Not a sob, not a whimper or a choke. And she hugged me so tightly all the while, chest to my back, crying as well.

"Did you even consider how I'd feel?" She asked me through her tears. "Did you once stop to think what would happen to me if my only friend killed himself?" I did. I thought she'd be happy without me. Words couldn't describe. She wouldn't understand.

"Why, Xander? What happened to you?" She squeezes me, and I can't do anything but remain curled up into myself as she held me close, making sure I didn't do anything stupid again. "The kitty I know wouldn't ever think of this. He wouldn't consider... doing..." She choked at the end of it, not even able to complete the thought. "I'll help you," She tells me. Her words only make me cry more, all the grief and sadness exploding in a wave of hurt. "You're my friend. I'm going to help you. I'll fix this. I will. I'm here, okay? I'm here."

She rocks me back and forth, cradling me in her hold. I feel so broken, and everything is just so terrible. Chloe starts to sing. Softly, quietly, a soothing melody of a lullaby. It's supposed to help calm me down, but only serves to deepen the pang in my chest.

"It's going to be okay," She whispers again. I hold my paws against my chest, grasping at the fur there. It's not going to be okay. As long as you have that family, I won't ever be okay. I won't ever be happy with myself, Chloe. I need you. You mean so much to me. You're all I have, but you can't ever be mine. And I can't even tell you any of this.

Chloe cradles me through the night, whispering reassurances into my ear until I fall asleep. I'm left clutching at my chest, focusing on the wetness of my cheeks. The sound of her voice. The ache in my heart. How each beat pushes that sensation of hurt through me each and every time, filling me up with nothing, turning me hollow.

She's so close to me. I can feel her heart beating against my back. The warmth of her fur against mine. The soft lilt of her voice in my ear. None of it is mine, but I want it. I want it all so badly it hurts. I want this moment to last forever. I'm begging you, just let me stay here until time stops ticking.

Is there a word for that feeling you get, when you can't have something you want? When there's no way you could ever claim it, but you crave it anyway? I may not be able to say it. My voice might not work. It probably won't see any use anywhere, especially by me. If you have to, make it up. It could be anything, so long as it means exactly that. The want, mixed with the can't have. The can't ever have. The won't ever have.

Please, I need that word.

More than anything, I need that word.

I need it now.


End file.
